Today in Sometimes I Read Things, I take a look back at the literary glory that was 50 Shades of Grey and add 50 ways I think it could be more interesting. If you need a refresher before you dive in, take a look at my thoughts on the book here. But you probably already know the gist of it. This list was compiled with the help of a fellow reader who also felt it was a little…lacking.
1. Christian’s secret is that he tortured and killed his mother’s pimp.
2. The charity he’s been donating to is actually a front for selling illegal arms in guerrilla warfare. I can’t decide if its better if he knows about it or finds out about it later.
3. Ana is actually kind of a ho and teaches Christian a few things
4. Ana gave a kid up for adoption before she met Christian
5. Christian is running a giant ponzi scheme
6. Christian is a pimp for expensive call girls that used to be his subs
7. Taylor, Christian’s live-in head of security, is secretly Christian’s biological father
10. Christian is an international gangster—that’s why he’s so rich
11. Christian opens a thesaurus and uses words for his mother that aren’t “crack whore”
12. Book is written from the perspective of Ana on the reality show “real girlfriends of Seattle”
13. Therapist Dr. Flynn falls in love with Ana and messes with Christians head in anger/jealousy
14. Taylor, the male head of the security team, and Christian had a secret illicit affair
15. Ana becomes a businesswoman and rivals Christian at work
16. I would also like to acknowledge that to receive an email on Ana’s blackberry, it would have to be sent to her personal email address, and for her to receive an email on her work computer, it would have to be sent to her work email address. These are different things. Also, does no one else ever send Ana an email?
17. Ana finds Viagra in his apartment
18. Someone at least once does something embarrassing during sex, i.e. falling off the bed, can’t get bra unhooked, etc.
19. They lived in a world where hangovers exist
20. They stopped arguing about how they don’t deserve each other
21. Christian makes $100,000 an hour? hahahahaha, please
22. Ana actually had a computer since, you know, she’s an A student and lives in the 21st century and has a job
23. The sex scenes were better. Yeah, I said it.
24. Ana was into dominating and Christian was not
25. Darfur seems to be thrown around a lot without anyone actually seeming to know why, so maybe we could pick a less trendy cause for Christian?
26. Christian has an older sister that surfaces
27. There is a hostile takeover of Grey’s company
28. Christian accidentally killed a submissive
29. Christian is a secret serial killer of pimps
30. Ana is already using birth control
31. Ana is a lesbian
32. Ana has a life-threatening disease that one of Christian’s research teams can cure…but she’s not telling
33. Ana likes being a submissive and later wants her own sub
34. Christian is gay
35. Christian’s real dad shows up and wants money
36. Christian’s real dad shows up and is also very rich
37. Christian’s real dad shows up and tries to kill Christan because he doesn’t want any other heirs around
38. Call the book 50 shades of red..amp up the sadism
39. Christian’s company sells the sex products and he tests them
40. Jose begins to stalk gray to do away with him
41. Kate feels she deserved Christian and goes after him
42. Someone starts blackmailing Christian…and it’s ?…Take your pick
43. Christian’s mom is still alive and is looking for him
44. Christian finds out he already has a kid he didn’t know about
45. Ana reads modern fiction/science fiction/anything other than romantic English literature
46. Ana likes make-up and shopping and realizes this does not make her any less smart
47. Someone at his work files a suit because he only hires attractive blonde women
48. Same story, half the length
49. Christian is ugly, Ana falls for him anyway
50. Everyone stopped saying the phrase “mighty fine” forever
1. Christian’s secret is that he tortured and killed his mother’s pimp.
2. The charity he’s been donating to is actually a front for selling illegal arms in guerrilla warfare. I can’t decide if its better if he knows about it or finds out about it later.
3. Ana is actually kind of a ho and teaches Christian a few things
4. Ana gave a kid up for adoption before she met Christian
5. Christian is running a giant ponzi scheme
6. Christian is a pimp for expensive call girls that used to be his subs
7. Taylor, Christian’s live-in head of security, is secretly Christian’s biological father
10. Christian is an international gangster—that’s why he’s so rich
11. Christian opens a thesaurus and uses words for his mother that aren’t “crack whore”
12. Book is written from the perspective of Ana on the reality show “real girlfriends of Seattle”
13. Therapist Dr. Flynn falls in love with Ana and messes with Christians head in anger/jealousy
14. Taylor, the male head of the security team, and Christian had a secret illicit affair
15. Ana becomes a businesswoman and rivals Christian at work
16. I would also like to acknowledge that to receive an email on Ana’s blackberry, it would have to be sent to her personal email address, and for her to receive an email on her work computer, it would have to be sent to her work email address. These are different things. Also, does no one else ever send Ana an email?
17. Ana finds Viagra in his apartment
18. Someone at least once does something embarrassing during sex, i.e. falling off the bed, can’t get bra unhooked, etc.
19. They lived in a world where hangovers exist
20. They stopped arguing about how they don’t deserve each other
21. Christian makes $100,000 an hour? hahahahaha, please
22. Ana actually had a computer since, you know, she’s an A student and lives in the 21st century and has a job
23. The sex scenes were better. Yeah, I said it.
24. Ana was into dominating and Christian was not
25. Darfur seems to be thrown around a lot without anyone actually seeming to know why, so maybe we could pick a less trendy cause for Christian?
26. Christian has an older sister that surfaces
27. There is a hostile takeover of Grey’s company
28. Christian accidentally killed a submissive
29. Christian is a secret serial killer of pimps
30. Ana is already using birth control
31. Ana is a lesbian
32. Ana has a life-threatening disease that one of Christian’s research teams can cure…but she’s not telling
33. Ana likes being a submissive and later wants her own sub
34. Christian is gay
35. Christian’s real dad shows up and wants money
36. Christian’s real dad shows up and is also very rich
37. Christian’s real dad shows up and tries to kill Christan because he doesn’t want any other heirs around
38. Call the book 50 shades of red..amp up the sadism
39. Christian’s company sells the sex products and he tests them
40. Jose begins to stalk gray to do away with him
41. Kate feels she deserved Christian and goes after him
42. Someone starts blackmailing Christian…and it’s ?…Take your pick
43. Christian’s mom is still alive and is looking for him
44. Christian finds out he already has a kid he didn’t know about
45. Ana reads modern fiction/science fiction/anything other than romantic English literature
46. Ana likes make-up and shopping and realizes this does not make her any less smart
47. Someone at his work files a suit because he only hires attractive blonde women
48. Same story, half the length
49. Christian is ugly, Ana falls for him anyway
50. Everyone stopped saying the phrase “mighty fine” forever
Got your own ideas? Leave them in the comments!
I’ve since finished the 50 Shades trilogy and have moved on to better and brighter-titled literature Hot Pink by Adam Levin. It is just what I needed to cleanse my palate.
Keep up with me on Goodreads! And, as always, if you need a way to carry your trashy and not trashy books, check out Rae’s Days on Etsy!
P.S. I can’t take credit for this whole list, so my thanks to another 50 Shades reader who always has the time and wit to talk books.
